A Bomb on Celluloid Lane: "Exorcist: The Beginning"

exorcistThere are many reasons why I didn't enjoy "Exorcist: The Beginning". The most obvious reason is that it was a horrible, horrible movie. I don't even feel it deserves a proper review. Think "The Mummy" meets Satan, except that the plot unravels at an absurd pace and the acting is laughable at best.

Anyone who saw the original Exorcist knows how a scary movie is done right, right? Man, I remember the first time I saw it. I was at a slumber party in 6th grade, and was so traumatized and freaked out that I called my parents sobbing in the middle of the night to come get me.

The original Exorcist had none of the gratuitous violence, campy one-liners, oh-so-obvious bathroom shower shots, and obligatory "the bad guy's dead but not really because when you sigh and walk away his eyes will open and he'll grab your ankle and we'll have to sit through more of this crap" scenes that we scary movie audiences, for inexplicable reasons, have come to expect. That's what I call lazy horror, and this new "prequel" to the 1973 classic was nothing but. I hate to be so critical of a series I've always enjoyed, but there you go.

Hmm what else, oh yes... I enjoyed the experience even less because of the mind-blowingly inconsiderate audience members I had to share oxygen with, the type that seem to flock horror movie seats in larger droves than any other film genre. I thought the same thing when I went to see "Scream" back in 1996, except at least then it was an issue of people yelling out stupid comments to the screen as if they weren't ruining the magic for everyone else. Last night, a girl in the row behind us was having a conversation on her cell phone for the first five minutes of the movie (I still thought I could be in for a good flick at that point, so the distraction factor just didn't seem fair). She wasn't even whispering. So I shushed her. I gave her the bewildered "what are you thinking?" stare. I even asked her to please, please be quiet in a very calm big girl voice. She ignored me and eventually walked out of the theater when the conversation was over, never to return. Unbelievable. Who are these people, and are they actually aliens?

Thankfully, I always enjoy a warm bag of popcorn regardless of my surroundings, and the credits eventually rolled. Hooray!