8:03 pm- Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture- Clive Owen? CLIVE OWEN? Ok people, this is a crappy way to start the show. You're telling me Clive in "Closer" beats Thomas Hayden Church in "Sideways"? Did the Hollywood Foreign Press actually watch "Closer"? Because I did. And I demand a recount!
8:06 pm- Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture- Ok, I realize Natalie Portman is pretty much the cutest thing any of us have seen in the last 10 years, but... again with the "Closer". Sigh. Ok fine, she kind of deserved it. And her dress is fabulous.
8:12 pm- Best Supporting Actress in a Series/Miniseries/Etc - Anjelica Huston. Sure, she's good.
8:14 pm- Best Supporting Actor in a Series/Miniseries/Etc - And the award goes to... Caption Kirk! Er, William Shatner. Let's just hope he sticks to acting. Has anyone seen him perform in that weird band?
COMMERICAL BREAK (I have a feeling I'll be sorry I decided to break up the show this way)
8:20 pm- Diane Lane presenting a clip from "Kinsey", one of the night's nominated dramas. I support any actress with my last name.
8:22 pm- Jim Carrey introduces the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press. Hi, Lorenzo. Please hurry your speech along. I'm on a timeline. Oh wait, now we're going to a taped clip of Bill Clinton thanking Hollywood for the Tsunami effort. He says to go to clintonfoundation.org to find out how to help more. Actually, I think I will.
8:25 pm- Best Actress in a TV Drama Series- Mariska Hargitay for "Law & Order: SVU", which I've never seen. There are just TOO MANY Law & Orders. Sorry Miss H.
8:29 pm- Best Actor in a TV Drama Series- Ian McShane for "Deadwood". Mmm, I saw an episode or two. Filthy mouths, those cowboys.
MORE ADS FOR BAD PRODUCTS
8:39 pm- Meryl Streep presents... Best Miniseries or Motion Picture for TV- "The Life and Death of Peter Sellers". Speaking of Pete, did anyone see the movie "Being There"? Freakishly good.
8:42 pm- Best Actor in a Comedy Series- Jason Bateman! And you thought he'd never go farther than "The Hogan Family." Which was once called "Valerie's Family". Which was once called "Valerie".
COMMERCIALS.. INCLUDING THAT HORRENDOUS NEW MCDONALD'S COMMERCIAL WHERE THAT GIRL TALKS POETICALLY ABOUT SALADS.
8:49 pm- Halle Berry shows us a clip of "Finding Neverland", also up for Best Pic. I really loved this movie. Johnny Depp can do no wrong.
8:51 PM- Will Ferrell is wearing an eye patch. Just thought I'd share. Best Actress in a Musical or Comedy - Annette Bening. She sure has presence, doesn't she?
8:56- Best TV Series Drama- "Nip/Tuck". I've heard good things. Anyone? Nip/Tuck? Worthwhile?
MORE COMMERCIALS.... I'M OFF TO THE STORE FOR SOMETHING CHOCOLATELY....
...BACK FROM STORE WITH HAAGEN DAAZ ROCKY ROAD (THE BEST ROCKY ROAD ON THE PLANET)
9:14 pm- Ok, what'd I miss? Ok, Glenn Close wins for Best Actress in a TV Miniseries. I realize this is completely unfair and in the past, but I'm still angry at her for boiling that rabbit.
WHO ELSE IS TIRED OF THE CARL'S JR. COMMERCIALS? GUYS, TELL ME YOU CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH THIS HEINOUS MARKETING NONSENSE.
9:27 pm- "The Sea Inside" wins for Best Foreign Language Film. Which I haven't seen, but it better be good if it beat "A Very Long Engagement"!!!
COMMERCIAL... BACK TO MY ICE CREAM...
9:34 pm- Best Screenplay (if Eternal Sunshine doesn't win I'll boycott the rest of this show) ...... "Sideways". While I really, really enjoyed "Sideways", I think "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is far, far more worthy. Still deciding whether to boycott. Very angry.
9:37 pm- Best Actress in a TV Comedy- Teri Hatcher, "Desperate Housewives", the show that bores me.
GREAT DR. PEPPER COMMERCIAL FEATURING THAT SONG BY MEATLOAF! YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I MEAN.
9:45 pm- Clip of "Hotel Rwanda", nominee for Best Pic. Man, that looks good... and heavy.
9:46 pm- OMG! What are Usher and Lisa Marie Presley doing on stage? Oh, riiiiiiiight, it's the award for Best Original Score. How clever. Just like Usher's indoor sunglasses. Wait, who won? Ah yes. "The Aviator". I loved that movie.
9:48 pm- Best Original Song (also presented by the musically challenged duo from previous entry) - "Old Habits Die Hard" from the film "Alfie", performed by Mick Jagger? Er, yeah. Never heard of it. But I do love Mick.
COMMERCIAL BREAK.. I'VE NOW EATEN HALF A PINT OF ROCKY ROAD AND FEEL LIKE I MIGHT DIE....
9:57 pm- Prince is onstage, wearing pink and black. Somehow it works. Clip from "Ray".
9:59 pm- Best Director, Motion Picture - Clint Eastwood! Who else thinks "Million Dollar Baby" is going to sweep the Oscars? Hey, he even got a standing O.
10:02 pm- Diane Keaton's outfit is.... is.... scary.
10:02 pm- Best Actor in a Motion Pic, Comedy or Musical- Jamie Foxx. I feel sorry for Paul Giamatti, because any other year and it would have been him. But "Ray" had it in the bag.
Jamie Foxx's speech just made me cry.
I JUST SAW AN AD FOR THE NEW "APPRENTICE". HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
SUGAR HEADACHE SLOWING RECEDING. SWEARING OFF CHOCOLATE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
10:13 pm- Pierce Brosnan is honoring Robin Williams with the Cecil B. DeMille Award. If you're watching, you're getting a wonderful look back at RW's outstanding career.
10:24 pm- Robin's killing 'em onstage. I mean he's really going for it with this speech. Bravo!
10:27 pm- Robin dedicates his award to Christopher Reeve.
COMMERCIALS... TIME TO STRETCH.
10:31 pm- Orlando Bloom (Legolas to me) presenting a clip of "The Aviator". Go see it.
10:33 pm- CHARLIZE! Maybe I should consider dyeing my hair black. Wow.
10:34 pm- Leonardo DiCaprio wins Best Actor for "The Aviator".
PLEASE MAKE THIS THE LAST COMMERCIAL BREAK.
10:40 pm- Best TV Series Comedy- "Desperate Housewives". Yawn. Though you want to root for the creator.
10:44 pm- Clip from "Sideways". Please, please go see this movie. Unless you're under 18, and then maybe not. Hard to say if I would have liked it back then.
10:46 pm- Best Actress.... Hilary Swank. I stand by my Oscar claim for "Baby". And to think she started out on 90210! Remember to thank your husband, Hilary! Good girl.
WELL, THEY JUST HAD TO RUN ANOTHER BATCH OF ADS, DIDN'T THEY? WHO CARES, I HAVE WINE.
10:54 pm- Hmm... why, of all people, is Sylvester Stallone presenting a clip for "Million Dollar"- oh, oh! The boxing thing! Of course.
10:55 pm- Best Motion Picture Comedy- "Sideways". Yay! You can just hear all the actors sighing with relief that they've been guaranteed some more good roles.
10:58 pm- Best Motion Picture Drama- "The Aviator"!!!! Frankly, I'm shocked. Great movie, but figured it would be passed over. Hey, now you have no excuse not to go see it and learn more about Howard Hughes. Creepy creepy.
Well, my friends, if you made it this far, you deserve an award. And if you actually followed along with me in realtime, you deserve a standing ovation!
I'd like to thank all the people who helped me get here tonight....ah, where to start...
First and foremost, Six Apart for creating Typepad, my agents Cosmo, Luther, and Bunny, my mom for teaching me to be an awards show junkie, and my darling Bobby, who IM'd me through the whole evening, giving me support and encouragement and believing in me when no one else did.