I Am a Bad Blogger

Daily blogging is one of those activities that makes a lot more sense when you're unemployed. Or at least that's my pathetic excuse for the month of August.

In the interest of full disclosure, here are some other activities at which I tend to fail regularly:

  1. Being on time - I don't think tardiness is acceptable, I really don't. That said, there's a gaping hole in my brain where a chip should be, the chip that accurately calculates what time I need to start preparing in order to leave the house at 7:45 a.m. Currently, leaving the house at 7:45 a.m. means that at 7:43 a.m. I'm frantically brushing my teeth, peeing real quick, trying to locate my other shoe, hobbling into the hallway at which point I pass a mirror and realize my outfit looks totally unfinished without earrings, having a small meltdown, changing my jeans, perking up, looking off into space, remembering that thing about breakfast being the most important meal of the day, reorganizing the mustard shelf in my fridge, and getting out the door by 9:15. Approximately seven minutes after this accomplishment, I will realize that I forgot my phone.
  2. Keeping my hands out of my mouth - I'm a shameful nail biter. I've been a nail biter as long as I can remember, except during my '95-'96 acrylic nail phase, during which period I rerouted all that nervous energy into diligent split-end eradication (which is a full-time job and requires all kinds of dexterity and precision and makes nail biting seem like amateur hour). I'm not biting my nails in order to make them shorter, I'm merely evening them out. But they're just never quite even enough, see, and I'm not going to give in to in that kind of wacked out asymmetrical world without a fight. To the death.
  3. Adequately preparing for special occasions - Have you ever stood in the massively picked-over greeting card aisle at Walgreen's a little past midnight, trying to figure out how to create a Valentine's Day card out of one that says "To a loving grandson, on his 1st birthday"? Welcome to my world.
  4. Stocking up on soap - I should just buy a lot of soap at once, instead of buying one bar at a time. I should just stuff an entire cupboard full of soap, so that it's always on hand and readily available when I run out. I really should do that.
  5. Chilling out - On a good day, I'm what you might call an anxious person, though I've been told "mother effing spazz" is more accurate. I'm not sure how I became so tightly wound. I think it happened somewhere between getting lost inside K-Mart as a five year old, watching "The Exorcist" for the first time in sixth grade, drinking coffee for dinner throughout my entire senior year of college, and spending the better part of the last decade working in live television. I have been known to worry about worrying. It usually strikes around 3 a.m. and is immediately followed by painful cravings for ice cream.