Red Light, Yellow Light, Green Light Go

I know I've been on a musical kick here recently, although if you complained about that I'd argue that I'm always on a musical kick and only hold back from writing about music on this blog every five minutes so that I don't have to admit that it's all I think about. Well, that and cat hair.

Picture it: Sebastopol, California, 1988. 7th grade. I'm at Sequoia Verducci's dance party. Events like these were usually organized around someone's birthday and consisted of about 20 kids standing awkwardly along the perimeter of a living room during the fast songs and pairing up to experiment with boy-girl body contact for the slow songs. I know, it seems ridiculous to me now, too. No wonder my mom was always reading from "The Hurried Child", sipping Bushmill's and weeping.

Anyway, Sequoia had the best house for dance parties because her parents let us dance in the bonus room, kind of like a detached garage, a good 100 feet from the main house. Oh, I'm sure Mrs. Verducci was hovering the whole time, but back then it felt like we were left alone as hedonists, free to put our hands on each other's shoulders and waists, far away from the prying eyes of anyone over thirteen. Of course, this pre-dates alcohol, which any self-respecting fourteen year old knows is the only way to party. Just kidding. Not really.

Of course, in 1988 being a DJ was a huge challenge, since nobody even had CD players yet. Instead, an assortment of cassette tapes had to be cued up, played, and then quickly swapped out before the dead air made partygoers want to call their parents for early rides home. If a host wanted to play the same song twice in one night, well, that could be tricky. There was rewinding involved. Mix tapes were an option, though in the end less flexible. How did we even get out of bed in the morning?

Are you wondering if this post has a point? My point (and I do have one) is that at this particular dance party at Sequoia Verducci's house, we all wanted to slow dance to "Love Bites" by Def Leppard, because at that time it was the Best Slow Dancing Song Ever Made, the kind of song that made every girl who didn't get asked to dance cry in the shadows of the bonus room. Except that if you're familiar with "Hysteria", which is the album that "Love Bites" is on, then you know that right after "Love Bites" comes one of the Best Obnoxious Hair Metal Songs Ever Made, and that song is called "Pour Some Sugar On Me". That song made 7th graders go completely apeshit. Arms flailing, screaming, wrestling, the works. We all kind of knew it was about sex, but it seemed more like an appropriate excuse to spit fruit punch on each other.

So this past weekend I'm innocently watching a VH1's "Greatest 80's Songs Countdown", to which list "Pour Some Sugar On Me" has naturally been included, and DO YOU KNOW WHAT I REALIZE ABOUT THE LYRICS FOR THE FIRST TIME?

That:

Cause I'm hot (hot, so hot) sticky sweet, from my head (head, head) to my feet...
Do you take sugar? Waa duh cah taaaaaaah!

...is actually not at all correct. Here's what's correct:

Cause I'm hot (hot, so hot) sticky sweet, from my head (head, head) to my feet...
Do you take sugar? ONE LUMP OR TWO?

Please, someone tell me that they're also experiencing an epiphany here. It's just so, obvious. One lump or two! Of course! Right under my nose for 20 mother effing years. Am I the only one? One lump or two!

I need a burrito.